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Urgent memo to Sir Keir Starmer: there are some offers which should be refused | Andrew Rawnsley

Natalie Elphicke’s defection to Labour is creating more angst in her new party than in her old one

I bring you exclusive news that another Tory MP is in negotiation with Sir Keir Starmer about defecting to Labour. As luck would have it, I can even share with you an edited transcript of Sir Keir’s side of a recent telephone conversation between the Labour leader and his latest recruit from the Conservative side of the Commons.

KS: “Crikey. This will be a jaw-dropper. Everyone thought they’d never seen anything like it when Natalie crossed the floor. You flipping to us? It’s going to be the mother of all bombshells… For sure, we can say we’re in complete agreement that Rishi is utterly useless. The man couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag… I hope you understand why I can’t make any promises about a peerage. We don’t want people jeering that we’ve done a grubby deal… Yeah, you’re right, the shadow cabinet aren’t going to be happy. So what? I won’t be telling them before the deed is done… Not a problem. Of course, we can invent a role for you. When Dan crossed over, we agreed to say he was going to advise us on health. We’ve confected something about housing to make Natalie feel important and wanted… Growth! That’s your big thing, right? Mine too! How about a seat on Rachel’s economics commission? It would be invaluable to learn from your frontline experience… So we’re agreed. Matt and Morgan say we should do the big reveal on Wednesday. Just brilliant to have you on board, Liz.”

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